The Hotel from Hell

Readers Beware - this is a long, but I think a funny post.



I travel often.

I love nothing more than to hop in my car, or hitch a ride with a friend, and go to places known and unknown.

A friend of mine from Pure Romance noticed that I liked to roadtrip, she asked me, "Would you like to ride to Miami with me in a few weeks? I have a Pure Romance party to do and I hate doing those drives alone."  Of course, I said, "Hell yeah! I'm down for a road trip. I am a Roadtrip WARRIORESS!"  I'm not even sure that "warrioress" is even a word, but hey, I like coining new words and phrases.   

The plan was that she would pick me up on her way from work to Miami around 3 or 4 p.m., we would arrive at the party 5 or 6 hours later, she would do her demo for about an hour, take some fabulous orders and then we'd stay at her brother's house and then wake up early and come back to Jacksonville by mid-afternoon today (Saturday).  

Unfortunately, unforeseen obstacles at her job along with traffic coming from her work to my house prevented us from leaving on time.  By the time we arrived to the party late, the party people were more than in the festive spirit.  My friend did her demo to a large group of women.  In exchange for us driving down 5.5 hours to Miami, spend the gas and the money we spent on food, she only received a few orders and some change, probably only $150 in sales.  Nonetheless, she was able to get some potential parties or consultants, so that was exciting. We left the party at around 3:45 A.M. after everyone had left.

"Girl," said my friend, "I didn't realize it was so late. My brother has to get up early for work. I can't be calling him at 4 o'clock in the morning. His wife got to work at 8." She did try to call them, but there was no answer. I even called a few people I know in Miami, but I realize it's too early in the morning. People are sleeping.  I even posted on Facebook to see if anyone of my friends in the Miami area happened to be awake, stalking people on Facebook. Perhaps someone would come to our rescue!

To no avail, I suggested that perhaps we do one of two things:

1.  Drive all the way back to Jacksonville right then and there or; 
2.  Get a hotel room in the area.

She looked at me with tired eyes, "There is NO WAY I can make it all the way back at this time of night, that is, unless you want to drive. "

I declined as I was tired myself. I didn't want to be responsible for wrecking a fancy car by hitting a deer on I-95. No, thank you!

I mentioned that I had a few bucks saved for an emergency on the trip, just in case.  I said, "Since you paid for the gas, drove down here, paid for snacks and drinks, I'll cover a hotel room as long as it's cheap."

I was thinking maybe $50 or a eensy weensy bit more. I mean, there HAD to be a Days Inn or something like it around the area where we were at. 

She pulls up a list of area hotels up on her phone and we called eight.  All eight were fully booked due to spring break.  I mean, all we wanted was a place to rest our heads for a few hours before heading back home.

We found one more hotel on the list. The name of this place was called, "Hotel Roma Golden Glades Resort".  She called and the desk clerk said there was one room available at the oh-so-cheap rate of "$120.98 plus a $50 refundable deposit."   I said, "That's a bit pricey. Let's look for another one."  

I end up calling "Hotels.com" and they wanted to send us to a really "cost effective" hotel of $799 a night at Miami Beach on Collins Avenue.  We both looked at each other as if to say, "Hell, no!"

By this time, it was 4:15 A.M.. We're either going to bunk down in the car or we are going to call that other pricey hotel. .

We called the Hotel Roma Golden Glades Resort, or whatever that hotel's name was. The man on the phone gave us directions.

After a short, 10 minute drive, we arrive at a location that is comical at best.  Down the street, I could see bright lights and white columns. The most garish and most gaudy looking building I have ever laid eyes on came up before us.

The hotel looked something as is supposed to be depicted, but way more drab. I think in its heyday, it was a much nicer looking hotel. 

As you drive through the "stately" coconut palms of the driveway, there are a bunch of broken down fountains that greet you. There are, AT LEAST, 25-40 whitewashed Greek and Roman statues that make you think, "This is overkill." I half expected Ben Hur to come flying about on his chariot and broom-bristle helmet in front of us!

  

We parked and walked up to the front door. On the way from the car to the front door, I noticed that there was a former restaurant or entrance that was boarded up with pink plywood right beside the hotel. I remember thinking, "Oh, dear...is this a Mario & Tio hotel?"  My father and Uncle have particular knacks for choosing really crappy hotels. It seems that I am not that far off either when in a pinch.

A really bored looking security guard wearing headphones and playing with a smartphone unlocked the door for us. We walked into the lobby.

"Can I he'p yoo?" asked the desk clerk, who had a thick Asian accent of some sort.

"Yes, I called about 15 minutes ago wanting to know if you had any rooms available. Is that rate and the room still available?" I asked.  He said yes and proceeded to tell me that check out was promptly at 11 A.M. and began to shuffle some papers around, all the while staring at my credit card as if it were a piece of filet mignon wrapped in bacon.

The man asked for the credit card and ID.  He ran the credit card and then proceeded to make copies of both ID and credit card. 

While waiting for him to check us in, I took a good look at the lobby.  Behind the counter, on the left hand side of the wall were four clocks.  Each one indicated time in four different world cities.  These were New York,  Paris, Miami and Brasil.  BRASIL?!  Come on!  BRASIL is a country with FOUR different time zones, not a city.   Maybe they meant the capital, Brasilia?  

On the center wall, were three pictures of the kinds of rooms they had to offer guests. King, Executive and Suite. The pictures looked as if they were taken back in 1995.  The bedspreads in the picture looked outdated, as well as the decor and furnishings. The countertops were green granite or marble tile that needed some deep polishing.  The couches looked forlorn. Made of green leather or pleather, they sagged in some places. The cushions on the couch were cracking and flaking from wear and disrepair.  Large, terra cotta tiles made up the flooring. If I had had a bucket of sudsy hot water and a scrub brush at the time, I would have knelt down and scrubbed the dirt and grime off the floor.  The TV was a large, flat screen from the age of the dinosaurs had only three colors  - RGB. Actually, I'm pretty sure it was one of the first flat screen TVs that came out in the 1990s.  Like the ones that are flat in the front and have a tube in the back.

This is not a joke.

He told us, "Room 321. Elevator on the right. Enjoy your stay!"  At least he was pleasant enough for two very sleep deprived women. 

I noticed the elevator must have been manufactured to European standards. It was tiny and not to mention, very wobbly.  

On the third floor, immediately to the left, there is an ice machine that has "Out of Order" slapped haphazardly on the front of the machine.  Unfortunately, I didn't have my camera out and ready for that one. 

On the right hand side from the elevator are the rooms.  As you turn the corner, you are greeted with a sight all too familiar if you've seen the movie, "The Shining",  minus the kid on the tricycle and the crazy REDRUM twins.

The hotel looked similar to this.

The hotel corridor was dark, with flickering lights.  It smelled of either mold or cigarettes. I don't know which since the hotel claimed it was a non-smoking hotel. It smelled nasty.  I noticed that the carpet had not been vacuumed in centuries, as there were dust bunnies collecting on the sides of the carpet nearest the walls. I kept expecting some big dude to come out of a room with a beer gut, a bottle of Budweiser and two hookers on each arm.

We got to our room door and opened our door with the card keys.

Upon entering, we were immediately assaulted with cold, tobacco-scented air conditioning. I found the air conditioner and immediately turned it to low, but that didn't do anything except blast more cold, dusty and tobacco-scented air on me. I was not about to get a headache and cold from sniffing that nasty air.

In the room were two double beds, a heavy tube TV, a nice looking dresser with handles that didn't work well,

 and a worn looking table with chairs with major wear on the upholstery. In the dim lighting, I noticed there were some stains on the carpets.  As I knew from the photos downstairs in the lobby, the bedspreads were outdated, but VERY worn.  Mine even had a mysterious stain on it...

I knew then that I had entered the Hotel from Hell.  

You know what's even funnier?  I even laughed about it!  

I felt right at home.


That last line above was such a lie. I guess I meant to say that it all felt familiar to me.

It made me remember a time that I had stayed at a crappy hotel in Orlando. That's another story here.

My friend asked me why I was giggling uncontrollably. I didn't have the mental capacity to tell her the story right then and there. I mean, it was 4:30 A.M.!  We were both exhausted. She had been up for almost 24 hours.

I peeled back the covers, half expecting circus roaches to come flying out of the sheets or centipedes to crawl out of the pillow cases, SOMETHING like that. With nothing but white blankness from the sheets, I gave a sigh of relief.

My friend had already put her pajamas on and sank into bed. I sat on the edge of the bed trying to get comfortable when, all of a sudden, I felt as if the mattress had swallowed me. I am not joking when I say this.

I felt like I was wallowing in a sand pit as the bed sank under my weight. It took a lot of abdominal work to get back up out of bed. I had my phone with me and noticed the clock said "4:40".  Knowing that we'd have to be out of the room by 11 A.M., I tried to sleep. It took a while, but I got there.

Around 8:15, I awoke to car alarms going off outside.

The thing with me is that, once I'm up, I'm up.

I looked over my mattress hill and saw that my friend was still asleep.

I grabbed my phone and decided to post on Facebook how crappy this place was.  Of course, I didn't have to read the reviews to find out that it was a piece of crap before posting to FB.  I knew it!

Being that I thought our predicament was kind of funny, but also that I have had first hand experience in the hospitality industry, I decided, "Well, why not?! I'm here waiting for my friend to wake up. I'll go ahead and read the reviews on this place."  I mean, were we the only people who thought this place sucked?

Oh, no.

Since I travel a lot and have a smart phone, I have various apps that assist me in getting to where I need to be or finding important information about accommodations, flights, etc.  It's a shame I didn't think to use them yesterday.

Trip Advisor immediately pinged our location and this is what was found. The total reviews and pictures for this hotel can be found there, but I have highlighted my favorite reviews and photos down below.  I even went on the hotel's website just to see what they had to say. Along with my own commentary as well and other photos I took while we were there.

1) The Hotel's Actual Website  - click here to view it.

I felt anything BUT inspired...perhaps they meant to say, "revolted"?

Yeah Right! Maybe they hired a set designer from the adult film industry to create that "look" and "feel". Also, the lobby did not feel cozy. It was DIIIIRRRRRRRTTTTTAAAAAAY!!!

When I was there, the fountain didn't even work.

Well, I didn't see HER and the pool didn't look like that!

The pool looked more like this, as a fellow guest and Trip Advisor reviewer took excellent note of this fountain below. If the fountain looks like this, you can bet you'll get scurvy just THINKING about dipping a toe into the pool.

When I think of Tropical Splendor, I think of the Dominican Republic. That country has a lot to offer in terms of Tropical Splendor, don't you think?

.

Photo by Renata Vallazza. Please do not take without permission. Barahona, R.D. 2010.

Not this. Looks more of a Concrete Jungle to me, I'd say!

I'm Italian, I should know what's what.  That ain't Italian!

Oh, my! How ITALIAN!

Well, I'll agree somewhat with this one. My room did happen to have two queen sized beds.  I'm not sure what had slept on them prior.  We had ONE TV, but that didn't work very well.  In fact, I don't think it worked at all.

According to another guest review with their photo below on Trip Advisor, their room came complete with this fancy telephone!

When I went into the bathroom, I was skeptical about anything in there being clean or working right since the bed had been sketchy. Turns out, I was right!

The countertop sagged and was only adhered to the wall with badly applied caulking.

This was the underside of the counter...complete with a ROACH and masking tape!

Bathroom vent that had not been cleaned in centuries.

"Replace Filter Every 3 Months". I don't think it's been changed or cleaned AT ALL!!!

One thing is for certain - they are not "green" at all. They're dingy, dirty and smelly.  But one thing is for certain: they sure are conserving the Earth's vital resources by not doing any washing nor cleaning!

I think  they replace all the towels directly from the floor anyways.

Towels are dingy and Dirty Bathtub

Now...for the cream!!!

2) Trip Advisor Reviews

As I laid in the bed waiting for my friend to wake up so we could get the hell out of there, I tried so hard not to laugh out loud from the reviews. I had tears streaming down my face.

This first one is my favorite!

(Please note, these are all screen shots from the Trip Advisor website.)

RUN!!!!

Dead rats, open toiletries, broken irons, yucky pool and a wholesome breakfast of Mini Muffins!  Don't mind if I do!

Well then!  A dead rat!

According to the post below, you can be stolen!  Within one hour, too!

I'm disappointed I didn't get to see any wildlife in my room!  I like reptiles. They would have had a feast from all the yummy cockroaches in my bathroom or as the post below states, from under the bagel tray!

My room was also missing an iron, much like this reviewers room.

The review below states he wouldn't even wish this upon his own enemy!  He must care a lot about people, even bad dudes, to not want to send them there.

I liked the line, "Not sure when the remodel occurred, but they missed a bit of the hotel."  I have tears streaming down my face already!  Bugs having a buffet?!  Priceless!

 

I don't even want to know if our door locked or did not lock. Thank you Lord that we are home safe now.  I wasn't even aware that it was close to a strip club.  Well, I'll be!

This review needs to review some of his or her spelling techniques and grammar. I've since discovered that "matters" stands for "mattress".  According to the hotel, Subway is fine dining!  

Also, he states that he and his wife wore their socks in the shower and tossed their PJ's after use in this fine establishment.  Especially after reading this review, I think I might have to do that if hot water doesn't do it for my clothes.

I'm jealous of this guy right down here. His bathroom came complete with a 2x4!  Mine was just held together with caulking.  Boo!

"Scary. Weird. Old. Strange." has got it RIGHT!

Ain't that a fact?!

This reviewer is Swedish.

This guy below must have sub-par standards.  Ripped lamp shades, broken chairs...and not minding if other people's hairs are on the bed?!!!  YUCK....

This still sounds really bad to me.

All in all, this is a place that you want to avoid like the plague.

As everyone else happens to say in these review, my stamp of disapproval is so great, that:

A) I would not wish this upon my worst enemy and;
B) If there were a negative stars rating, I would give this place a -2.


That being said, it did give us a place to sleep for a few hours which was necessary for our return trip.  I did not utilize the shower there whatsoever. As soon as I got home, I hopped in the shower and fumigated all nastiness off of me.  It was like being born again!  (Which is what my name stands for anyways.)

I was so relieved when we left.  The place is so bad that as you walk out to the parking lot, wasps buzz around your face.  There were so many wasps nests there, it was unbelievable.

Friends and non-friends alike...please do not choose this place at all.  I guarantee you will have an experience to remember if you do, but why not live vicariously through others?